


my one mistake.°

by audz_ree



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Betrayal, CCG Kaneki Ken, Depression, Feels, Fluff, Furuneki, Heavy Angst, Kuroneki | Black-haired Kaneki, M/M, Pain, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2019-08-25 19:29:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16666879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audz_ree/pseuds/audz_ree
Summary: “my one mistake is loving you.because i can’t stop, even if i wanted to.”-furuta has been assigned a task to exterminate sasaki haise from V. but when furuta tries to befriend sasaki, things then go unplanned. and there is someone trying to make it go as planned again.also on my wattpad: aud.reez (will get updated there first)





	1. Chapter 1

__

I stood at Sasaki's door, he is my new partner ever since Kijima had died at the Tsukiyama Family Operation.. he's.. quite interesting. Before that whole operation and all, he was so naive and too friendly. Now.. what happened? He had just.. became a different person. Cold, hard to read, and his eyes.. I don't know how I noticed this but, his eyes always have bags under them. Have I been staring too much? I don't know anymore. Haise is.. mysterious. Though, Rize. The naive 19 year old who fell for Rize's trick isn't present in anyone's eyes anymore.

 

"Boss?" I said, knocking on the door, and I heard a faint swallow and a sigh. "Go ahead." Sasaki's cold tone had sent chills down my spine, I gulped and slowly opened the door. The first thing my eyes had laid on other than my baby of a boss was the glass beside his pencil cup. He's drinking again.

 

"Do you need something? Documents, information.." Sasaki said, stopping my train of thought and he had poured alcohol into the glass and looked at me in the eye, as if he was looking right through me. "I know we're partners. But if you're going to bother me for anything unrelated to work, tough luck." He said, and he took a sip of his drink.

 

I nodded, and placed documents of 'Takatsuki Sen', Sasaki's favorite book author. "Would you like to pay a visit? We have all the evidence leading up that she is a ghoul, Boss." I said, pushing away the feeling that only Sasaki could easily give me, seriousness, sarcasm, you know it mixed into my tone.

 

Sasaki had looked at the documents, then at me and took another sip of his drink. "A few minutes is what I ask for, then we'll be on our way." I had nodded, and turned to leave the room until I stopped myself. I turned towards him again, wanting to ask a question, but he was staring at me coldly so I panicked. "Boss.. if you don't mind me asking, are you doing okay? You're—"

 

"Hm. You didn't listen to me, didn't you?" Sasaki said, interrupting me and I gulped. Shoot, I shouldn't of asked. But I then heard a small chuckle, and the ice in his drink had moved slightly and he sighed. "Though there'd be no harm in telling you, isn't that right Nimura? We're partners, so maybe you should know my condition. You're concerned about me drinking and smoking right? It's a habit. I'm fine."

 

"It's a habit. I'm fine."

 

I frowned, knowing that he was lying and hiding something. Though I shouldn't be mad, we were only partners. I nodded, and headed for the door once again.

 

"Nimura." Sasaki's cold voice had stopped me dead in my actions, and I looked to him and he sighed. "Don't worry about me. I'm nothing special. I'm just Haise Sasaki." In his tone was sincerity and seriousness, and I swallowed. I just gave him a look that I understood, though there was obviously something wrong. I finally left the room, and while waiting outside, his words hadn't left my head.

 

"Don't worry about me. I'm nothing special. I'm just Haise Sasaki."

 

...

 

It was the end of the day, and I had finally finished my reports with the One Eyed Owl and others. Sasaki's words had still been echoing in my head, I'm not sure why. I had checked the time, it wasn't too late and not many people left but most are starting to. Maybe Sasaki hasn't left yet.

 

I had went up to his office, and opened the door to find him not there. He probably left already, and I sighed. At least he wasn't in there, I probably would've been told "Knock first." again. I had left, and Urie had passed by stopping when he saw me.

 

"Looking for Sasaki?" Urie said, and I nodded, closing the door and looking at him. "Knowing that I've caught him numerous times, at the end of the day at this time, he's usually smoking just by the entrance of this building." I sighed, frowning and shaking my head. "He's smoking again? He was drinking earlier as well... he really drinks and smokes a lot now." I scratched the back of my head, and chuckled softly, though I can't help but be concerned.

 

"Nimura, I don't think you should be hearing this from me, instead figuring it out yourself, but you should know since Sasaki now hates when you care for him." Urie said suddenly, his voice lowering, and I furrowed my eyebrows. What is he getting at? Something I should know about Sasaki? Why?

 

"Sasaki is depressed, and he has.. no, nevermind. (I shouldn't tell him that.) He's just really depressed, it seems like that it's become plainly obvious after that operation. I only saw him once before that operation smoking. Now it's every day I spot his quinque leaned against the wall, and smoke coming out from the side. He had confessed to the Quinx, but said that it wasn't anything vital, and thought we should know. Idiot doesn't know what he's doing to his damn body."

 

I was shocked, well beyond shocked. I was stuck in place, but I managed to give him a nod. "Thanks for telling me. So that's why.." I said, muttering the last part still trying to process what Urie had just told him.

 

"(Tsk, why did I even tell him?) Careful, Nimura." He said, and he had carried on while Yonebayashi had caught up to him. I decided I should go as well, and talk to Sasaki. As I moved away from his office, I overheard Yonebayashi and Urie a bit.

 

"Is Maman going to be okay, Uri?" Yonebayashi said, she had glanced at Sasaki's office and back at him. Urie had frowned, and he shrugged. "I don't know. Though, if I'm honest, he won't last any longer."

 

My eyes had widen as soon as I heard this, what did he mean? Is he ruining his body, and he won't be stable for much longer? Or.. wait. Is he..? Suicidal? Shoot. Sasaki.. what the hell are you hiding?

 

I started picking up my speed, but I was still walking towards the entrance. Urie and Sasaki's words couldn't get out of my head.

 

"Though, if I'm honest, he won't last any longer."

 

"Don't worry about me. I'm nothing special. I'm just Haise Sasaki."

 

A thought had then crossed my mind. Is Sasaki... no.

 

Is Kaneki depressed because of me?

 


	2. Chapter 2

I had opened the door to the CCG building, and looked around to see a quinque case or even smoke. To my right, there it was. Smoke faintly coming out from the side, and a case leaning against the wall. He's at it again, that Sasaki.

 

I went over to the side, looking and seeing Sasaki smoking and he seemed to notice me right away. He had sighed in annoyance, taking out the cigarette and breathing out the smoke. Can't he stop? Boss isn't going to be easy.

 

"So you've found me, Nimura." Sasaki said coldly, and he glared at me. "Can't you stop following me? You're not my god damn poodle. You have better things to do than follow me around." Sasaki's temper is getting to him, maybe because he's smoking? Tsk, Furuta couldn't you notice earlier than he was obviously depressed? Smoking and drinking for no reason, that isn't who that Sasaki is.

 

"Don't you have better things to do Boss? I thought you were home already, not smoking here!" I said, pouting and approaching Sasaki. "Couldn't you stop smoking and drinking? It's bad for you, you know?" I went ahead and clinged to his arm, and he had tried brushing me off. He was being a bit gentle with me though? With the strength that Sasaki has, he could brush me off easily. Or my grip has improved.

 

"Let go, Rank One. You're acting like a child, how old are you again?" Sasaki said, irritated by my actions and squeezed my chin aggressively. I smirked, and I grinned widely through the grip of his hand around my chin. "Five, Boss!" He looked disgusted, but he seemed to give in and gave out a small chuckle. "Ah, dammit Nimura. I don't think you're lying, maybe you are five."

 

I froze for a second, and playfully punched Sasaki's stomach. "Mean." I let go of his arm, and stood next to him grinning. He had looked at me, and sighed putting his hand on my shoulder. "Ah jeez, my partner is a five year old who follows me around, or manages to find me every where I go. Why do you like following me though?"

 

I quickly thought about a reason. I really didn't have one, it was mainly because of V but because he is my boss, but I kinda just enjoyed being around him? I dunno, that one seems the most reasonable. "Because I like being around you Boss!" I said cheerfully, but I then understood the meaning of my words. Jeez, that's the best I can do? The one thing my mind comes up with, huh?

 

From my quick thinking, I earned a look from Sasaki, filled with shock, 'Are you kidding me?', and disbelief. He sighed, and dropped the cigarette, crushing it with his heel. I had spotted multiple of them, this certainly wasn't the first time. He looked at his watch, and he stopped leaning on the wall and smiled at me with his eyes being filled with emptiness.

 

"I'll be going now. I'll see you tomorrow, Nimura." Sasaki said, giving a quick wave to me and taking his quinque. "Bye Boss!" I said, following him and watching him take off. I had seen him take something out of his coat pocket, it was another cigarette and his lighter. Putting the cigarette in his mouth, he lit it and put it back in his pocket continuing his way back. I frowned to myself, and I sighed.

 

Only stopped that Sasaki just for a while, dammit.

 

...

 

Jeez, it's only an hour before break and Washu is already on my tail from yesterday. I received a call from him that I need to stop playing around with Sasaki, I will take my time! I can't do it when Sasaki's in this condition, Washy. Stop bugging me with my duties with V. I have to make Sasaki more vulnerable.

 

I arrived at Sasaki's office, and I almost forgot to knock, I let go of the doorknob and knock. "Hello Boss! Are you in?" I said, and there was a faint sound before I heard his voice. "Come in." That's a first. I never heard him say that? A wild Haise Sasaki is acting weird today! A pokemon, heh. (im sorry im bored)

 

I had opened the door, and he was about to say something else but I could already see him. Jesus Christ, is there a stop button for his alcohol? Sasaki had sighed, and shook his head. "I'm stupid, he sees me drinking or smoking every time we cross paths, why should I warn him? Use your brain, christ." I had heard him mutter under his breath, and I sighed in disappointment. I walked over to his desk, and the cold pair of eyes had locked onto me. I might be screwed.

 

"If you want to use your brain, you should stop drinking. It isn't good for your health, you know Sasa—I mean Boss!" I took away his glass, and he just gave me his death glare but I could see a smirk forming on those lips of his. I swear my boss might be the hecking devil.

 

"What's wrong with calling me Sasaki? And I have another glass, Nimura." Sasaki said, his eyes still locked onto mine but his expression has softened and that smirk that formed onto his lips. He had took the other glass out, and went ahead to pour it into it. "It's informal, shouldn't you know Boss? You are the king of smarts, right? And that one is also mine." I took the glass before the liquid could come out, but to prevent any spill I quickly slid the glass back under and took it into my hands. "I have another hand, Boss."

 

"Call me Sasaki. It's not informal if I give you permission, right? I also have another glass." Sasaki said, and I had sensed a bit of sincerity until his last sentence. "So this is our game, Nimura?" I smiled and nodded, and Sasaki had formed a small smile. My words had caught up in my throat and I gulped, but I regained my composure and grinned. I took the glass, and I looked at Sasaki my grin only getting wider. "Then can you call me Furuta?" Sasaki looked at me, and he swallowed and he acted a bit off to my question. "..No."

 

"Why? If I can call you Sasaki, why can't you call me Furuta?" I slightly whined, and Sasaki had averted his eyes from mine. "You did say 'It's not informal if I give you permission,' so what's wrong with it?" I was waiting for an actual answer, and not a 'Nevermind' or 'Fine'. Please give me a good answer Boss?

 

"...fine, I'll tell you why I won't if you don't make fun of me." Sasaki said softly, and I immediately nodded eagerly and stuck my pinky finger out 'cause that's what people do to make promises right? I dunno. "I promise Bo—Sasaki!" He looked at my gesture, and sighed. He seemed a bit hesitant, but he went ahead and returned it, our pinky fingers locking. I had 'enjoyed' it for a second until he pulled away. Aw—wait, what am I thinking?

 

"..tsk. Well, it's..." Sasaki said, crossing his arms and he bit his lip slightly and sighed once more. "...it's because I don't know how to pronounce it." Furuta Nimura, why the heck are you feeling like this? My chest had internally softened and it's like his words had caused harm to my heart. What did I drink today? Or did I inhale that smoke from yesterday?

 

Other than that wacky feeling I felt, I smiled and put down the glasses. "I'll help you pronounce it then! You could just ask me, you know? It's easy!" I said, and grinned widely a small chuckle following. Sasaki had looked at me, and a 'You're not laughing?' expression was on his face. It had shortly turn into a small smile and he sighed. "You win, go teach me."

 

(dont attack me if i get it wrong pls)

 

"It's three syllables. Foo-roo-ta. Furuta."

 

"...Fru-too-ra?"

 

I smiled and shook my head, and Sasaki had averted his eyes and he was obviously embarrassed. But he was good at hiding it, christ my body is acting weird today. Probably Washu's hecking getting onto me.

 

"Foo,"

 

"...foo..?"

 

"Roo,"

 

"...roo..."

 

"Ta."

 

"...ta. Furuta?"

 

"There you go. See, you did it Sasaki." I said, a stupid grin on my face that I couldn't wipe off my face. My words kept on getting caught up in my throat, so I had mostly struggled to spit words out during those painful minutes. Christ, it's like I drank Sasaki's hecking alcohol. "Yeah, I did. I guess." Sasaki said, he had a relieved and relaxed tone which had made me grateful he wasn't being cold at the moment.

 

"You did, what's the 'I guess' for? There's nothing wrong!" I said, and I wasn't using my usual tone of voice, and a rather different playful and soft one. I don't know, I'm being weird today. Sasaki had shrugged, and glanced at the time and got up. "I have to attend a meeting. I'll see you around, it was ni—you're going to find me sooner or later." He started walking towards the door, and he was going to say 'it was nice' wasn't he? Hm. Sasaki had then stopped before he turned the doorknob, and he slightly turned his head. "...thanks, Furuta."

 

Sasaki had left, and I was in his office processing what he had just said. He thanked me? The cold, steel Black Reaper of the CCG had just thanked me. Wow, today is really weird, I caught Sasaki's smiles twice and he thanked me. He's interesting, that Haise.

 

Or if I must, Ken Kaneki.

 

 

 

 

 

.  .  .

 

I stood at the entrance of the CCG building, and I couldn't find Sasaki for once. Maybe he had left a while ago, but I then sighed to myself in disappointment when I looked around and saw a quinque case. Sasaki.

 

I quickly went over and there he was, a unlit cigarette in his mouth with his lighter in hand. I walked over to Sasaki and looked at him, making him stop and take the cigarette out of his mouth. "So you've found me again. As usual, Furuta." He said, and he had still continued to use my first name. I don't hear my name a lot, so this is fine. I guess.

 

"Come on Sasaki, can you not? I told you, it's not good for you." I said, taking the cigarette out of his hands and Sasaki sighed, frowning and looking at me with all seriousness. "Why do you care to stop me? What is my health to you?"

 

I stopped for a second to think about it. It was simple. A side of me is saying that it's because I want him to trust me so I can manipulate and finish my mission. Now another is saying that since—-"I consider Sasaki important, his health and needs are important and he shouldn't harm his body. It isn't pleasant to see him do that to himself, and it wouldn't benefit him. So he shouldn't smoke and drink for the sake of his body and for the sake of my worries." Wait, did I say that out loud? Nononononono. (it's 1am i'm sorry) Well I'm screwed.

 

"...important? Are you stupid, Furuta Nimura? Why the hell in any way possible you consider me important in any time of your life?" Sasaki said, and I sighed. "You're not just my boss, I consider you as a friend. If that's okay." What are you saying Furuta? Ah whatever, it's not making him uncomfortable. I think.

 

Sasaki had looked at me in disbelief, and he looked at the lighter in his hand putting in his coat pocket. "...that's fine, I guess. You get away with it this time, Furuta. But you better let me smoke and drink sometimes, mother." He said, a smirk forming on his lips and I gasped purposely exaggerated and huffed. "You're so mean, Sasaki."

 

"You're so mean, Nimura." Sasaki had replied with a smile that was actually genuine. I gulped, but I playfully punched his arm. "You're the five year old this time. I'll walk you home so you don't smoke or drink on the way, son."

 

Sasaki looked at me and he softly laughed. "Fine. Let's go, Furuta, I mean mother." I looked at him and grinned. "Father."

 

"Mother." Sasaki said, taking his quinque and I had followed him and sighed. "Fine, daughter." That had earned me a kick in the leg and I winced in pain. "Sorry, it's son, please don't kick me again.."

 

Sasaki smiled, and nodded. "Okay. I'm not a girl, shouldn't you know this mother?" I laughed and sighed in defeat. This clever Sasaki. "You win. Lead the way, Sasaki."

 

I had walked Sasaki home with a different feeling, like he wasn't my boss, and just a normal person who I consider a friend. Though behind our heads I could feel a pair of eyes staring at us. I don't care.

 

I have to keep that Sasaki in a good mood.


	3. Chapter 3

Every day is a bit different with Sasaki. It's been a week since I had walked him home and he hadn't let me do it for a while since he was kind of afraid that others would take it wrong. I  was completely fine with that, I was scolded by Washu after that day that I should really stop playing around. Though I told him to stop bothering me and to just trust me. After a bit of time, he had agreed and now the scolding will be every once and a while. That doesn't mean that he isn't watching anymore though. But I kind of feel like he isn't watching us.. intentionally.

 

It really took a lot out of me to convince my boss that he should take a break from smoking and drinking. Did I expect him to be a stubborn cookie? Yes, I know how he is because I do see him every day. Though I'm trusting him a lot... 'trust'? That Sasaki? Sorry. I'm just believing that he is trying to stop, not trust.

 

"Hello Sasaki!" I said bursting into the room and I had just realized I didn't knock. I might've earned another scolding, and by Sasaki this time, not Washu. Sasaki looked up at me, and he sighed and just put down his pen. "Close the door behind you, I'm letting this slide. Just once, since you are making me stop doing what I usually do." He said in a normal tone, he wasn't mad or annoyed which I'm relieved I didn't get scolded. I'm getting tired of it, you know?

 

"Have you been keeping your word about our deal?" I said, and Sasaki sighed and nodded. "Is this necessary Furuta? You don't know how many times I've been itching to light a cigarette, this is better be worth it." I grinned, and nodded. I'm glad he's following my wis...hes. Wait a minute. Why is he still doing what I want for him?

 

"Believe me Bo—Sasaki, it's just like a diet but it's not! I won't ask why you smoke and drink, but I just wanna ask.. why are you still doing this? I thought by now you already pushed away what I wanted." I said, and my grin had faded and I looked like I was looking for an answer. Though, little did I know that I shouldn't of asked.

 

Sasaki immediately had a mood change, and he

glared at me and I gulped. "You brat." He said, his fist connecting with the desk and he furrowed his eyebrows. Before I could reply, he had continued what he was saying. Good job Furuta Nimura. You just made Haise... Kaneki mad.

 

"You spoiled brat. Do you really think that way? That's what your representation of me is, isn't it? You said you wanted to be my friend right? Is a 'friend' to you someone you can order to do things that you want to them, and say things about them that you don't think will hurt them? What I did to please you wasn't worth it at all, if you're being a humongous brat. Thanks, Rank One for torturing my body. Get out."

 

"But that's not—-"

 

"Do I have to repeat myself? I'm sure you heard me loud and clear. Are my words clear to you? Or are do they not matter?"

 

"...Crystal." I said, and I felt dejected. Am I possibly back to square one? Ah, dammit Furuta Nimura. I thought I had it in the bag, but I just messed it up. I'll find out if I did tomorrow.. maybe it's okay. Maybe it was just a moment.

 

He was right. Sasaki's eyes has more circles under his eyes since I asked him to stop smoking and drinking. I didn't do anything but torture him. He's suicidal right? I probably made it worse. Though...

 

...why do I care so much for Sasaki?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

....

 

Kaneki sat at his desk, and leaned back in his chair. He just snapped at Furuta. It has been a while since he had felt like that, but the thought that he was someone like that to other people.. It had angered him.

 

"It's better to be hurt than to hurt others."

 

"My mom was loved by everyone."

 

Kaneki had clenched his fist, and he sighed shakily. These thoughts never went away after he had stopped due to Furuta's request. He hadn't ordered Kaneki to stop for a bit, he had just asked and he accepted willingly. Furuta didn't have to beg or force him. Kaneki did it. He had done it to make him happy, but he went through more pain than usual for it. And to think that's how Furuta thought of him... it had hurt him.

 

Kaneki clenched his fist, and he had felt something roll down his cheek. He took off his glove, revealing his dark red nails that had reminded him of Yamori and he had touched his cheek. He was crying. He was crying because of what he had implied what Furuta saw him as.

 

His lip quivered and he whimpered quietly. Sniffling, Kaneki looked down to see his bottle of alcohol and he gulped. He tried to swallow, but he had struggled and it hurt. He had broke down, and more tears traveled down his cheek.

 

"...anything.. to be loved... just to see.. someone smile at me.."

 

Kaneki had quietly muttered, and from his opposite cheek, a red tear drop had came down. He wiped it with his finger, the color of the tear sitting on it. He took a deep breath, and put back on his red glove.

 

Then after a few breaths, he had picked up his pen and started filling out the report he was working on.

 

With another red tear drop falling onto the page.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

I really did screw up. It was the next day, and the tension was really there. Like there was a wall physically between Sasaki and I, and I can see that he wasn't too keen on breaking it any time soon. I gusss I have to do it myself, I can't help it. He is my boss, I can't avoid communication with him for a work day. Unless someone else does, which isn't the case.

 

"Takatsuki has been transferred out of our hands to another squad. We're focusing on various other A and B rated ghouls for now, until someone new comes on the radar." I said, and I had tried to not deepen the mistake I've done by prying at all. But from just a glance at his face, the dark circles around his eyelids have increased immensely. Sasaki's expression was complex, like he was thinking really hard or trying to hide something.

 

"...Are you—-"

 

"What's it to you? Rank One, didn't we discuss this already?" Sasaki had interrupted me immediately, as if he knew what my big mouth of mine blurts out already. I had looked down with a grim look on my face, and I nodded. Before I could reply, Sasaki swallowed at the sight of my expression and had continued shortly after.

 

"I had told you to not care about me, didn't I? To stop asking how I was, or if I'm okay. It doesn't matter. No one else but you keeps on asking me after I've asked them to stop. What's with you? Are you that stubborn, perhaps deaf in one ear? I'll happily purchase you a hearing aid, if that does anything!"

 

I had been in complete shock, I had never seen that side of Sasaki ever before, he's even more mad at me than a yesterday.. Wow, when I thought I was on a roll, though what he said had really impacted me but I could've cared less mentally. Physically, it hurts. Shoot.

 

Another side of me was too ashamed to look at Sasaki, so that's what I did. But at the corner of my eye, I saw Sasaki's eyes wide open and his hand to his mouth of his. Only for a split second, because right when I blinked the gesture was gone.

 

He sighed, and he leaned over towards me and when I least expected it, Sasaki had put his gloved hand on my chin and raised it just like it wasn't weird at all. I was speechless and he looked at me blankly in the eye and he basically forced me to look at him. "It's hard to look at me, isn't it Fu.. Nimura?"

 

He had almost used my first name. Almost. That's really odd, but why the is this action necessary? Sasaki is talented and intelligent, he should know quickly ways to catch someone's attention but this is his choice? It's a.. bit straightforward.

 

I looked at him and he had sighed, seeing my expression and he took off his glove with his hand reaching for somewhere. "Sorry. I went a bit far." He said in almost a whisper, sitting back down and I saw him shake and tense. Sasaki thought I found it weird, didn't he? He's really self critical..

 

"...your stupid request has been making me snap a bit easier. I have my reasons why I need to take a breather like that. It's too much, but I'm still attempting to do it if you want." Sasaki said it quieter, and he took a deep breath and after a bit he reached for his glove and carefully put it on. "...it's not like me to be this way. That's why... it helps."

 

With no hesitation at all, a smile formed on my face and I walked over to Sasaki, getting his attention. "You don't have to listen to me, you know Sasaki? Sorry for making you a such absurd request! I didn't know, and it's completely fine!" The smile had soon became a grin, and he had looked at me in complete amazement, (jesuschristhelookscute) ... sorry. He had looked at me in complete amazement, as if he didn't expect me to be 'generous'. I dunno, is it generous?

 

"..." Sasaki had rested his expression and gave me a paper and nodded slightly. "I'm free to get off your request?" I took the paper and grinned at him slightly bowing. "Of course. But you should limit yourself to smoking and drinking, just suggesting. It hurts your body Sasaki, your health is important." I said, my grin only getting wider while Sasaki had looked at me with a gaze for a second or so. He sighed and he looked at me with a small smile.

 

"Thanks, Furuta." (hisgrinisjust-) I smiled, and headed for the door before I went to turn to Sasaki. This is a good time to ask this, his

mood had lightened right? "Oh, I forgot to ask! Would you like to join me for lunch Sasaki?" I asked, and Sasaki looked at me raising an eyebrow, giving me the look saying 'Me?' Answering him, I nodded which led him to avert his gaze to think about it. So, this depends on his answer. Yes, I may have a chance. No, I may not. The moment of truth, Boss.

 

"...if you insist.. sure."

 

I smiled, I had done it! "I'll see you later then! I'll be coming to your office."

 

Sasaki had swallowed, not answering right away but he shifted his gaze to me and I gulped. But instead, I received something that had my words being caught in my throat.

 

Sasaki smiled warmly that was small, but it was still a rare sight to see from him at the moment. "Then.. see you then."

 

Crap. Am I falling for that Sasaki?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay, I am straight. Straighter than a freaking ruler, I swear I'm not gay. Nothing can prove so otherwise. I know that I am straight, no one can say that I am gay.

 

Because I'm not gay. (furuta admit ur gay)

 

I'm straight.

 

I swear.

 

I'm not gay. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say at this point, I'm straighter than a hecking tightrope. Wait, but they can shake right? Shoot, I mean I'm straighter than a line. Okay?

 

Shut up. I'm not gay. I know you're screaming at me at this very moment, calm down.

 

Anyways, that day was a success with Sasaki. It has been a week since that happened, and everything had been going really successfully. I had lunch with him, which didn't go bad at all as I expected, I also walked him home again. I'm starting to think that I'm cracking that hardened wall that he has around himself. As if he's afraid to do anything, so he traps himself into a little space to refrain from spilling anything too personal.

 

Well here I am, trying to get him out of that little space. ...To achieve my mission, of course. If it wasn't for that, I could've cared less about breaking him out of there. I swear.

 

I'm telling you, that smile has nothing to do with how I am at the moment! I am telling you, Sasaki has no effect on me! Alright?! It's just that I'm acting weird this past month, it's nothing about Sasaki.

 

I'm telling you the truth.

 

You can't say anything otherwise.

 

"Hi Sasaki!" I said, walking into his office with a grin on my face. I was acting as if I hadn't seen him in a while, I just saw him this morning. Everything went by really quick when I was with Sasaki, then it slowed down when I wasn't with him. I find that really odd.

 

Being Sasaki himself is odd. It makes me feel weird.

 

I'm still not gay, by the way.

 

Okay, I'll drop it now, but don't say I'm gay. Because I'm not.

 

Sasaki's eyes perked up to look at me, our eyes locking and his mouth formed a small smile. He put down his pen, lifting his head up stopping to talk to me other than work on the report. That has honestly never happened before, when he is calm though. He only does that to yell or scold me, which he hasn't done at all since that day I accidentally messed up temporarily.

 

If I'm not crazy, which I'm not... I may be cracking Sasaki's shell. Slowly but surely.

 

"Hello." He said softly, and his voice was so delicate, it could break any second now. He sighed, and swallowed hard. "We have to

work late today, Washu assigned a stack of work to us. Look at this crap." Sasaki said, opening his drawer and slamming a huge stack of papers on his desk. "That isn't all though, he assigned another 20 reports to us." He really seemed bugged about this, no matter how dedicated he was to his duties, he hated working late.

 

"Wow... why just us? Couldn't of Washu and his tiny brain split the work up to others?" I said, as a joke to possibly lighten up the mood. Sasaki smiled slightly, but it faded when his eyes went to the stack of papers. "No, he said this, and I quote, 'I think you guys are the most hardworking pair and deserve more work, maybe do the others because their queue is full. Okay? Ok, here's the stack of papers.' Tch."

 

Sasaki sighed, leaning back in his chair and I'm pretty sure he was thinking about burning it. That's who Sasaki is. "I guess we have to finish it. Finish up your reports for the day, I'll make sure we have coffee if you need it." He said, putting the stack of papers back in the drawer and shaking his arms after. Ehuegeuwhd. (this random thing was the only thing i wrote in one day oml)

(im sorry)

 

"I'm almost done with mine, I'll finish up and come here! We're stopping our work for you to eat, you're not just going to have lunch because you have too much work to do so." I said, Sasaki was one who wouldn't do anything until he finished his work to take a break. He sighed and nodded, I always won in an argument somehow, he probably just didn't want to deal with me anymore.

 

I'm really annoying, aren't I? Jeez, I should get better.

 

. . . .

 

"Tsk, this stack doesn't end." Sasaki said, groaning out of annoyance. I gave a small smile and a quick glance, and I looked at his computer with all the remaining reports then at the stack of papers. More than mine. "Sasaki, give me some of yours. You have more than me."

 

"Hm? No, it's fine. I don't need you doing more work than you have to." He said without looking at me, but I could see he meant it. I didn't want to be annoying and say 'Are you sure?', because that'll irritate him.

 

Whatever he says, he means. Don't second guess him.

 

"If you insist. Though I'll be here if you need to get more of that huge stack of papers off your shoulders." I said with a smile and went over to my work again. I looked over to the clock, it was only 2:45 pm. Ahh, there's possibly we could be here until midnight.

 

Dammit. I don't wanna stay. (go mr sta—)

 

Why, Washu?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. . . .

 

My. Hecking. God. I'm so tired. I'm working on my last 5 reports, Sasaki and I have at least done about 20 times the normal assignment for reports. I glanced over at Sasaki, his desk light and computer screen shining through his glasses lens. His face was blank, but his lips were together and his eyes were glistening and blinking constantly. His gloved hand was moving from writing, he had his computer up to write down statistics down and he had refused to get up once he was down to his last 20 reports.

 

I was honestly worried, he didn't even drink his coffee. For the past two hours. His eyes were stuck to that screen and his hand was moving like there was no tomorrow. There is no tomorrow, we are assigned to finish it today. I hate you Washu, you assign me a mission and a report? Don't you think it's a little too much?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Twenty-ish minutes pass and my hand was moving like the speed of light. I was almost done! Thank the god damn gods, I'm done with this crap. If Washu assigns this again, I'm throwing it back at him. I know Sasaki won't hesitate to help me.

 

I picked up my hand from the paper, slamming the pen onto my desk. I. Finished. I grinned at my work and shook my hand around. It really hurt.

 

"Hey, Sasaki? Crap, I mean Haise. You finished~?"

 

There was no response.

 

"Still focused?"

 

Still no response.

 

I furrowed my eyebrows, going over towards his desk, and by an angle I saw his head down. Hm? Going over to his side, it was pretty obvious he passed out. Aish, I told him he should drink coffee.

 

I looked over at his report, he was finished with them as well. He was most likely too tired, and passed out where he was. Well hey, there's a sleeping Haise Sasaki in the buliding, and I'm the one to see this exclusive sight.

 

Sasaki's sugary hand with his dark, red almost blackish nails shown from underneath his glove with a faint healed scar right before his knuckles. His fingers were more like sugar than the rest of his hand, as if they were newer than the other. His midnight black locks of hair that look really fluffy was still kind of fixed surprisingly, it's as if some stylist did his hair and it is slightly messed up. His eyes were closed and his glasses were pushed down a bit, and his soft-looking sugar lips that could be a women's. Soft and quiet breaths came from his actually very small but perfect nose, and it was as if an angel was sleeping. (wow detail)

 

I nudged him slightly, and a soft groan was processed from him. -cute- "Eh? Oh, oops. Sorry Furuta." Sasaki said, his eyes slightly opening and being startled by my presence but he had a small smile on his face shortly after knowing it was me. I grinned and patted his head. "It's fine, you're tired. I am too, so why don't we go? We finished it, right?" I said, and Sasaki looked at me. He smiled and nodded. "Yeah. I'm never staying until midnight. If I do, I'm going to sue Washu with my imaginary lawyer."

 

I smiled, and Sasaki got up and stretched. He waited for me to lead the way out of the buliding, and it really looked so empty. Sasaki locked the office door and we walked through the dark empty halls of the CCG building. The sound of our footsteps echoed throughout the room, neither of us had anything to light up the place. You can only turn on lights via security.

 

 

I opened the door for Sasaki, and he smiled at me again. I walked behind him and eventually went back beside him again. No words were said, just smiles. We stopped at the end, turning towards each other.

 

"So, separate ways or I walk you home?" I said, and he shrugged. "I have no preference. There is no one here to see us, so it's fine if you walk with me." Sasaki averted his eyes when he said that, but he looked back at me. I then grinned and grabbed his hand unconsciously. "Then I'll walk you home! I don't need my boss possibly disappearing tomorrow."

 

Sasaki was surprised by my sudden action that I accidentally did, and I realized and pulled my hand away. "Ah, sorry." I said, chuckling not awkwardly at all hahahahahahahaha. (im sorry)

 

He laughed softly at my action and held my hand. "There. Let's get going?"

 

I was shocked how smooth he was, honestly. He was really calm about it, while I was panicking if I did something wrong. "..Yeah, let's go." I swear to the Lord Jesus hecking Christ, who created me? Furuta, this is a mission. Not a fall in love with your boss one, but to kill your boss.

 

Stop.

 

As Furuta and Haise walked away, a light switched on in the building on the highest point. It was someone's office.

 

"So, this is how you do your mission? He better not get attached to him instead."

 

Another walked beside them and he frowned. "...He's going to permanently damage him if it gets out."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Sasaki. He's a fragile one."

 

"That doesn't explain anything, _____."

 

He sighed, swallowing thinking on how to describe him. "He's not in the best shape. Mentally."

 

"So you mean insane? Or.."

 

"Yes. Not insane, but that."

 

"I see."

 

"Do you think that they might see us from here?"

 

"No. Kaneki's attention is most likely on Nimura. If he abandons the mission, there is obviously something happening between them."

 

"Let's get someone to watch them if that happens, okay _____?"

 

"Yes sir."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written from kaneki’s pov!

My eyes opened at the sound of my alarm clock. I groaned, that sound was the signal that I had to get out of my comfort zone.

 

The sound kept on ringing in my ears, and I was getting irritated. I didn't want to get up.

 

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

 

I furiously sat up and threw my alarm clock across the room, it making a loud noise that made me swallow.

 

Dammit. I broke it again.

 

 

I sank in the premises of my bed, staring at the ceiling. I don't want to get up. What's the point?

 

It doesn't matter if I show up or not. It's just one person less. I can miss today.

 

They won't care. No one ever did.

 

It's always just me. I cared for everyone in my life, but they didn't give a single damn about me.

 

I'm so naive.

 

As soon as I buried my face into my hands, my phone rang. Furuta immediately then entered my mind. I guess he would care.

 

Furuta always texts me in the morning when he wakes up to make sure I know someone's there. I don't know why he does. No one has done that for me, but I guess it's something I see when I wake up for a while now. He doesn't have to go out of his way to do that. But I guess it's his own will.

 

I picked up my phone, the light shining into my eyes and I swiped to fully see his message.

 

'Good morning Haise! Did you have a good night? I did, I always do. I hope you did! Get ready if you're not already, I'll see you at your house in 30! If you're late, we have to run to work and whoever is last gets half of the others paperwork. I'll win, of course. Watch out, boss! :)'

 

I stared at the message and swallowed. It's time to get up, I'm not getting his paperwork if I'm late. It's different every time though, this time it's a race. I haven't ran without being in a fight for a while. Since college. Since I was still normal.

 

Aish, I have to stop. My thoughts will be the death of me. I wish they could just leave me alone for once. I sometimes try to punch my forehead to stop the thoughts. But I always stop myself before I do and do something else. Having a concussion wouldn't be bad. But then I'd be exposed. That would be bad.

 

I reluctantly sat up and got up from my bed ruffling my bed hair. I'm slowly losing my eyesight. It's getting worse. I opened the door, and I walked over to the bathroom turning the doorknob slowly.

 

I'm always reluctant to start the day. I'm afraid of doing something today. I could do something stupid. I could just be stupid and unfocused that day. Or even worse. I break down at work. I rarely do at work, but it's so hard trying to keep it a secret. I hate when I have one during a meeting, or with someone. It sucks. I can't randomly start crying in front of something. That's embarrassing. And they'll remember it every time they see me.

 

I broke down in front of Arima. The Arima Kishou, you idiot. Yeah, I guess I was too naive for my own good at Haise Sasaki. I was dreaming. Something that I yearned for. But I was still depressed. I knew the truth. But I avoided it.

 

I got out of the shower, and I looked in the mirror, looking at my chest that was still slightly wet. My eyes had shifted down to where my stomach, and I swallowed.

 

The scar was gone.

 

It's because Arima removed it for me. He stabbed me there with his quinque, the scar was gone. My body was almost like sugar, I was so pale. I looked at my wrists, that looked so ugly in my eyes. I ruined them because I was such an idiot.

 

I never imagined that I would own any makeup. Ever. I wasn't gay. I don't use those. But here I am. The only makeup product that I rely on, and I'm sure every other person who uses it does too.

 

Concealer.

 

I looked at all the scars that weren't being covered by my clothes. My neck and my face.

 

I was so close to ending it once. I know, an idiot. If I want to die so badly, why don't I just go ahead? I can't. I'm not selfish.

 

Touka, Hide, Hinami, and everyone there is waiting for me. Even Furuta.

 

I don't even know though about Furuta. For all I know, he could just be lying to me. Try to get on my good side. Try to shatter me. He knows about me being suicidal and depressed. Someone must've told him. I don't know.

 

I finished applying the concealer on my nasty scars and looked at the bottle. My grip tightened around the bottle, I was getting mad at myself. I was so pathetic. I had to use something that was typically made for women to hide certain things. To hide what idiotic things I do to myself. If they knew, I'd be called gay. I'm not gay. Why would people automatically think that? Well, society is a pain. Somehow parents can make their kids such dumb idiots these days.

 

Before I could destroy the bottle of concealer, I put it down. I'm going to drive myself crazy in this bathroom with my stupid thoughts. I should get dressed before I have to race Furuta to work, dammit.

 

I quickly got dressed for work, putting on my black trench coat and my red gloves. Running my fingers through my jet black locks, I went over to collect my quinque case. Glancing at the clock, I felt a rush of relief. I wasn't late.

 

I stepped out of my house to see Furuta already waiting outside. I felt kinda bad, did he have to wait a while? I hope not.

 

Furuta turned and once he saw me, a smile then covered his blank expression that he usually makes when he's thinking. "Good morning!" He said cheerfully, and I gave him a small wave walking down the steps eventually going to his side.

 

What was he thinking about? Eh, Furuta's thoughts would not be very entertaining to go through, so why should I care? I don't know why I even asked myself.

 

"Were you waiting long? It seems like you were out here for a bit." I said as we started to walk, and he didn't seem to give me an answer. His blank expression was present, and I raised an eyebrow. He's not like this. Is he that deep in thought?

 

"Hello?"

 

No answer.

 

"Earth to Furuta?"

 

Still no answer. I guess I have to try something a bit bold. Uhh...

 

He got alarmed when I held his hand. Maybe that'll bring him back to reality.

 

My hand reached for his and once I got a grip of it, I squeezed it lightly. That should get him out of his thoughts.

 

Furuta's expression rested as soon as I put pressure on his hand. He noticed right away my action and he gulped. "Oh! Sorry, I was thinking about a few things." He said quickly, I saw him get bit a red and I smiled.

 

"Oh wow, you were. You didn't say anything when I asked you a question, so I guess you were really deep in thought." I said with sarcasm in my tone, and Furuta shrugged.

 

"Sorry, I guess I'm a bit preoccupied today." He said, scratching the back of his neck and I  smiled. Preoccupied, eh?

 

"Hm, I guess. If I'm honest..." I smirked and h-eyed him. "I think I was late." No, I wasn't. But he wouldn't realize that I was or was not since he was lost in thought, eh? I'm feeling lazy today, so this is great.

 

"You were?" Furuta said with a questioning look, and I nodded. My smirk got bigger, letting go of his hand and started bolting towards the CCG building. "Carry my weight for me, so you're preoccupied with work instead!"

 

"Uwah?! Haise, get back here!" Furuta yelled, a grin playing on my lips as I kept my speed. Less work for me, more work for Mister Preoccupied. I find that quite nice, which is probably why I'm a bit cruel. I know.

 

I ended up in front of the building and I didn't stop moving my feet that were starting to get tired. This better be worth it, I don't run.

 

I walk.

 

Thank god investigators were just coming in, so I don't end up bumping into so many that they'll hecking kill me. No, I'm not up for that today. I'm too lazy, but here I am running. At least there's a less chance of a hand cramp and my eyes burning from the screen.

 

I eventually, and finally, made it in front of the office and as I put my hand on the doorknob I felt hands on my waist pulling me away. "Hey! Let go!" I yelled, Furuta's hands still trying to pry me off from the grasp of the door. You have to lock the office door when you leave for the day, and my hands were fumbling with the keys.

 

Furuta finally pulled me away, but I already had the door unlocked and I simply kicked it open. I didn't realize it, but a big smile was on my face. I got myself out from Furuta's grasp and I had proclaimed victory. Hah, less work for me.

 

His hands wrapped around my waist again and he lightly punched my back. "No fair, Haise.." Furuta whined when he suddenly froze and I raised an eyebrow. Eh?

 

"Is something wrong?"

 

"You're... you're laughing! Associate Special Class Haise Sasaki is laughing! I got to see it first hand!"  Furuta's grip on my waist tightened, he literally started hugging me now. I laughed?

 

I suddenly felt embarrassment rushing through me, leading to my hands covering my face and my cheeks felt really hot. I laughed in front of someone. And I didn't even notice. I just showed Furuta something ugly, does that make me vulnerable? I—

 

"Haise, your laugh is beautiful. Don't be embarrassed about it." Furuta suddenly said in a serious tone, he gently moved my hands from my face and grabbed my cheeks. I looked straight at him in shock and my mouth agape. I wasn't excepting that at all.

 

"Thanks..." I softly whispered, my expression resting and I could feel heat rushing up to my cheeks.

 

Furuta smiled, letting go and took a step back. I had no words, on what he said next.

 

"Haise, your smile and laugh is the most beautiful thing on this earth. Don't ever be embarrassed about something so pretty."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be a part 2! :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 2 of chapter six!
> 
> still from kaneki’s pov.

"Haise, your smile and laugh is the most beautiful thing on this earth. Don't ever be embarrassed about something so pretty."

 

I was so shocked at his words. Furuta's words about me. Did he really mean it? My smile and laugh are beautiful?

 

I, Ken Kaneki is pretty? Beautiful?

 

No. He's lying. I'm not anything he says.

 

I was touched, but it was a lie.

 

He lied.

 

I felt my cheeks become hot, he wasn't telling the truth. He's only supposed to tell me the truth. Not a white lie. He's a bad liar. That wasn't a compliment. That was a lie. I'm glad he thought about telling me that, but, he. Is. Lying.

 

Crap.

 

Furuta's expression fell and he cupped my face in worry. "Haise? What's wrong?"

 

Everything, Furuta. You lied to me, it was such a bad lie. He said something that was never close to being true. It hurt. I'm not beautiful. I'm not pretty. He's insane. 

 

It made me shed tears. 

 

I told myself this morning not to break down in front of someone again. But I did. In front of Furuta. Someone that wasn't me. I screwed up. Nice going, Kaneki.

 

"...You lied. You lied about me. I'm not beautiful or pretty. Nothing is. That was a white lie, Furuta. You... shouldn't lie about that." I said, swallowing my tears to spit out the words. I didn't want to make myself look like a fool even more. I don't need to make myself more insecure than I already am.

 

"Haise..." Furuta frowned at me and he wiped away one of my tears with his thumb. "I'm not lying--"

 

"Yes, you are."

 

"I'm not--"

 

"You are."

 

"Haise--"

 

"You are."

 

"Haise, listen--"

 

"No. You're lying and you can't--"

 

"HAISE!"

 

Furuta yelled at me, which had shut me up. He never yells like that. I did something wrong. Crap. Way to go. Why is he so blind? I'm not beautiful. I'm not anything he says. I--

 

"I didn't lie. I told the truth. The truth is, your eyes represents a whole galaxy that I always get lost in. Your face is like a porcelain doll, with no imperfections even without what you put under the scars that are hiding under them. Your smile is like an angel who came down from heaven, that I didn't even believe that existed. Your laugh is like a beautiful symphony and has everyone applauding. And I'm saying your real smile. Your real laugh. Everything that you really do feel and mean. Not something that was faked. I don't like the fake ones. When you fake smile or fake laugh, it's like a knife piercing through my heart. When you cry like this.. when you're hurt, it's like I failed. I failed at saving something that had an opportunity. You have it all, Haise. You have beauty, you have talent, you have skill... you're perfect. You're perfect in my eyes. Even when you think you look like a mess, you think that you look like a fool, you're never something like that in my eyes. You're just perfect. Even when you cry, you are hurt, especially when you smile or laugh, it's just perfect. I hate to see you like this. It doesn't only hurt me, but it gives me the sign that you're hurting. I don't want that for you. I want you to be happy. So you need to learn and see the truth about yourself. You're not what you think you are. Worthless, unimportant, forgetful. I always remember you. I always think you're so important. I always think you're worth something. You're worth everything. I'm glad you're here, Haise. I don't want you to go. I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to leave when everyone else in my life did. I want you to live. And I'll do anything, and I mean anything. I'll stay no matter how long even when I'm tired, to make sure that you're alive. You're worth the whole world, Haise Sasaki. I can't promise you that I'll fix all of your problems. But, I can promise that I will be there with you throughout all of them."

 

I..

 

I was speechless. 

 

My heart started hurting. I could tell, and I believed him.

 

I was wrong. He wasn't lying.

 

I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to do. I was too blown away. He just told the whole truth about me. How he felt. What he wanted from me. He didn't want anything but for me to stay. And smile.

 

The tears came rushing down my cheeks and I tensed up. I wasn't thinking anymore. I didn't have to at this moment.

 

I wrapped my arms around Furuta, pulling him into a hug as I quietly sobbed in his shoulder. He hugged me back so tight like he was afraid to let go of me. Like I would go. I would disappear. 

 

How can I disappear if I mattered that much to someone? Did I matter that much to the others? Hide? Touka?

 

How was I so blind?

 

I know what.

 

I was blinded by my aunt. My mom. My aunt would do nothing but scold me for doing good. She hurt me. She made me feel like I had no place to call home. She was the person my mom chose over me. She was my mom's first option.

 

I was her second.

 

It's like she forgot about me. She didn't have time for me. She was so focused on getting money for her sister that was too lazy to get a job. She cared about her more than me. She gave her life for her.

 

Not me.

 

She blinded me. She was already blind. My mom wasn't kind, she was weak. Like Rize said. She couldn't let go of things. She couldn't stand up and tell someone what they needed to know. Furuta did that for me. My mom was blind. She blinded me with what she knew. She knew how to be weak, and endure the pain that she didn't have to go through. Pain that she endured because of what she chose to do.

 

I pulled away from Furuta, I got his coat wet. Oops. I looked at him straight in the eye, and he did the same.

 

I showed him the biggest smile I could, and I laughed quietly as I did. It felt weird, but it made me feel... happy. Something I haven't felt in a while. I felt happy when he smiled back at me. He hugged me briefly one last time, and I reached for his hands to hold them in my own.

 

I looked up at him, and I smiled genuinely.  I took a deep breath and squeezed his hands gently. I was about to say it. I am going to say it. 

 

"Furuta, I'll stay for as long as I can. I'll stay. For you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh cute.
> 
> that’s the end of kaneki’s pov for now! i wrote these because i was feeling down when chapter six was made. next chapter will be back to furuta’s pov. :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i kinda forgot about ao3 👉👈 ill be updating here more often now when chapters come out, and i’m also doing some heavy editing so yaaa wish me luck lmao

"What?"

"I told you loud and clear Washy! I resign from that task regarding Sasaki." I said, so basically after talking with Haise and all, I decided to drop the mission. I know it makes me sound pathetic, but honestly... 

How can I not give it up for him?

I don't even get anything out of it. So what was the point? You know, the task was a yes or no question and it wouldn't matter if I didn't do it. He didn't exactly order me, so ha. I should get out of this, maybe.

"Why can't you do it?" 

I scoffed and shrugged. "Because? I don't want to, isn't there a better person whose fit for this? Like Arima? I'm not even close to Sasaki. He hates me." I was hoping he didn't see through my bluff. Haise never talked to Arima anymore. After he got promoted to Associate Special Class. I don't know why.

Washu just looked at me, with a questioning look but then he sighed. Did I win?

"I want to see your work on it a little more. If you can't do it, see me again in at least one month. You can do a lot of things, Furuta. We both know that."

I sighed and nodded in defeat. Did he really mean that, or did he see through my bluff? I don't know. It could be either, but in the end I didn't get off the case. Dang.

"I understand." I said flatly, turning towards the door but I then stopped when Washu started to speak again.

"You're not falling for him, are you Furuta?"

I swallowed, my hand gripping the doorknob tighter. Was I? No, no, obviously not. I hesitated to spit out an answer, and I almost choked on my words.

"...No, of course not. You know me, Washu." I said, trying to be as smooth as possible. That wasn't my answer to that question, I had mixed feelings.

Was I falling for Haise? The Haise Sasaki, Ken Kaneki?

Aish, that's ridiculous. Of course not. There's no way. That's not possible.

He furrowed his eyebrows, which wasn't in my field of vision and frowned. "I see. You know I don't like this method of yours, it's too complicated. But it's fine."

"You will not get attached to Haise Sasaki. That is an order, Furuta Nimura."

I turned my head so that I could see his face and he could see mine. "I understand. I won't disappoint you, Washu." My tone was monotone, but I plastered a smile on my face.

I finally left the room, after being stopped by him so many times. It's not like I don't have any respect for Washu, I do, but I felt weird.

I didn't want to answer questions I didn't have a definite answer to. What I said back there, I wasn't sure.

Was I? Was I really falling for Haise?

No. Of course not.

 

-

So. Where am I?

Honestly this whole thing feels so surreal. I'm not sure. I've been feeling really off lately. It's not like a change that affects me everyday, it is.

Let me explain.

It happens around him. Haise. I don't know, but it only happens around him. Haise Sasaki. It was when he did certain things that only I see. That are exclusive for me, and not anyone else.

His facial expressions. His laughs. His smiles. His little habits. And even his physical appearance. I always thought he really looked so pretty. His hair was a pretty midnight black and his eyes were like the whole galaxy.

I think, maybe Haise is the reason for it. Maybe he's the one who makes me feel this way. Is it gay? Maybe. Do I like him? ...No. Do I have to 'continue' with my mission to not raise any suspicion? Yes.

"Furuta? Are you listening?"

I blinked, and realized that I zoned out. Shoot. "Sorry, I blanked out. Can you say it again?" I said, chuckling softly and scratching the back of my neck. I had to be extra careful around Haise. He's like chocolate. It's hard on the outside, and breaks easily. But he's still sweet when you get past his barrier.

Haise stayed silent for a moment, as if he was holding something back. Dang. He nodded, clearing his throat a bit then going on with the results of the report. I followed what he said, writing down the statistics and all of the useless crap that's requested. 

Have I mentioned how I think this is all meaningless? No? Hm. I would rant right now, but that is not one of my priorities at the moment. Haise is. I don't want to make him feel ignored.

"Aaand... we're done." He said, putting down his pen and sighing in relief. Taking off his glasses, he rubbed his eyes but then suddenly froze for a second. I looked at him cluelessly, but he took his glasses and quickly put them back on. I see.

"Someone is embarrassed," I just said, with a mocking tone earning me a stare from Haise. He pinched my arm and I smiled at him. Turning back to him, my throat became dry when I saw him pouting. It's happening again. It's the little things. Why?

I grabbed his cheeks, and gave him a frown. "Can I see?" I tried to put on my best 'innocent' smile, what do you even consider innocent honestly?

Haise shook his head. "Please?"

"But I look—"

"If you say that you look ugly I will shove a bar of soap in your mouth."

He stopped, and pondered about it for a second or two. Sighing in defeat, he gently pushed my hands away and looked at me. "Laugh, and you're dead."

I nodded, but Haise kept on looking at my expression. He was making sure that I wasn't going to laugh. I wasn't. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

He swallowed, and finally took his glasses off. I could see the sparkle in eyes, and little details around his eyes. He looked different, but not in a bad way. He looks perfect, like a porcelain doll.

"Why are you ashamed?"

"Of..?"

"Your face." I said, smiling and poking his cheek. Haise looked at me, and just shrugged. "I guess I think I look bad. Like I look like a baby. Vulnerable, or something like that." He was getting anxious, since I haven't shown a clear reaction to it.

"I can see why. But, Haise.." I said, trailing off which left Haise tensing up and heating up in my  
moment of silence.

"You're adorable!" I grinned and pinched his cheeks, my hands lingering afterwards caressing his soft and smooth skin. He was relaxed for like 0.1 seconds then he immediately turned tomato red. "H-hey! Am not!"

"Yes you are!"

"No, am—"

I put my hand over his mouth, cutting him off and he just stared straight into my eyes in disappointment. I grinned and chuckled, my other hand going through a strand of Haise's black locks. He is truly so, so very pretty and adorable. He's my baby of a boss. (ur gay is showing)

"Fine, you win." Haise grumbled, pulling off my hand from his mouth and putting his glasses back on. "Pack up, we're leaving now." I nodded, getting up from my seat and organizing the paperwork and cleaning up the mess we made. Wow, our job sure sounds entertaining and fun!

Haise exited the office first, so I went and closed the door, locking it with the key to it. There weren't that many investigators, most of them left already so the halls only had a couple people around. I walked beside him, my eyes looking to the side to see his face.

He was relaxed and didn't notice me staring yet. I then looked at his eyes, and I swear I looked at them for like two seconds then I was in a whole galaxy. He hypnotized me with his beautiful sparkly eyes, which was my galaxy. 

Why am I noticing these things about him? I only noticed things about someone's physical features with Rize. It's so odd.

Haise then noticed my eyes locked on him, his head turning towards me in confusion, tilting a bit. He then realized I was staring at him for no reason, then his cheeks tinted a bit red, almost unnoticeable. We both looked the other way, wow that was really awkward. My eyes lingered for too long.

 

We finally started approaching the exit, I walked a bit faster so I had a chance to open the door for him. Haise was no longer surprised, I started doing this all the time for him and he just gave me a fond smile which I swear made my heart stop for a second. What is he doing to me?

It started getting darker over the past few weeks, which meant I walked Haise home more often. Once we got to the spot we usually part ways, he immediately held my hand and I looked at him. He swallowed and sighed, squeezing my hand a bit tighter.

"Can you..? I've been feeling really empty lately when you don't walk with me.."

I smiled, and my free hand caressed his cheek. "What was I supposed to do? Say no?" 

Haise's cheeks heated up coloring a light red on his sugar-like skin, and he elbowed me. "You could've said no." He averted his eyes from mine, I couldn't help but smile at him and turned his head towards me gently. "But I couldn't resist." I said playfully, and I just earned a look from Haise that was shouting 'Are you serious?' I just smiled, he sighed and we started walking toward his house.

 

A few minutes past, then Haise let out a noticeable and unusual sigh. "My legs are going to break any second. Damn Washu and his meetings where we have to stand for three hours straight discussing nothing.." He mumbled, I laughed and decided to add some fun. To brighten the mood and break the silence between them. I swooped Haise off his feet and picked him up bridal style. 

"H-hey! Let me go, Furuta!" Haise started punching my chest, trying to make me put him down and I just grinned at him. I saw how he went from looking normal to looking like a bright red tomato.

"We're almost there anyway, you weigh like two pounds so it's not that bad." I said, and Haise crossed his arms and his mouth formed the cute little pout again. I admit, sometimes he is just irresistible, like he is right now.

Why am I even noticing this anyway? It shouldn't really concern me at all.. but.. ugh, I need to refocus myself. 

Haise literally jumped out of my arms when we reached his house, startling me and he crossed his arms. "That was embarrassing." He muttered and I just grinned walking over to him and cupped his face.

"And you know I will and can make you embarrass by anything." I said, and I pressed our foreheads together, admiring his eyes close up. Haise stilled, and he was turning a light pink when I was staring into his eyes.

"Uhm.. Furuta?"

"Yes?"

He went silent for a moment, and he took a breath. He was most likely going to say something important.

"Can I try something?"

"Of course. Do what you wish, my Haise." I said softly, and Haise looked at me.

"Don't do anything back, please."

I nodded, and I stilled. I was so taken aback by Haise's action.

Haise closed the gap in between them, their lips making contact. I stayed true to my word, and let Haise kiss me softly, though the temptation to return it was strong. I wanted to kiss him back, so badly.

He parted our lips, and he looked at me with a smile.

"You can." he said softly, and I closed the gap once again, holding the whole world in my hands. It felt so right, even if I knew that it was wrong. Because there was something. Something telling the both of them,

they aren't supposed to be attracted to the same gender.

Haise pulled away and we just stared at each other for a second, our foreheads still pressed together. Then it sank in.

I was straight. I just kissed a male. I felt disgusted with myself. Kissing someone from the same gender.

Suddenly, Haise pushed me away and grumbled. I looked at him, and I just furrowed my eyebrows.

"Don't walk me to work tomorrow. Don't give me a morning text. I'll come when I come, got it?" he said fiercely, firm in his voice. He then wiped his lips, and I did the same.

"Fine with me. Good night, Boss." I said, dryly and Haise walked into his house with a slam of the gate shutting. 'Boss' rolling off my tongue was such a foreign feeling, and uncomfortable.

It is what it is. I lost all my progress. I scoffed, and turned around to start walking towards my own home.

Whatever, he'll just kill him like he should've done in the first place and not get tangled up in all of this useless crap.

But inside, it hurt.

It hurt so bad.


	9. Chapter 9

kaneki.

 

It's been a week.

The hardest week I've put up with so far in years.

Every time that he had tried to shut him out of his mind and his heart, he wouldn't go away. My heart ached every time he walked through that door and called me 'Boss' instead of Haise. Every look that he gave me, filled with sorrow every time I yelled at him.

What the hell has Furuta Nimura done to me?

I stopped arriving on time to work because I didn't have a reason to get up anymore. I didn't have anything, or anyone, to look forward to. I miss how my phone would buzz in the middle of my thoughts, and see Furuta's text. I miss whenever I was late, he'd set up some stupid race for the consequence of keeping him waiting.

I miss him.

Every single stupid thing about that idiot.

Opening the door to the CCG building about an hour late, I spotted Washu near the entrance and he gave me a stern glare. I rolled my eyes and stuck the middle finger up at him, going ahead to make my way to my office.

Turning the corner, I immediately ran into none other than Furuta. The last person I needed to see today, who was the main purpose of all of it. I spent over half an hour crying over an absolute idiot. And I look like absolute trash because of it.

"O-Oh, I'm sorry Boss." he spoke softly, and I could tell there was something at the tip of his tongue. He was going to ask me his famous line. 'Are you okay?' But he didn't say it. Because I'd tell him off again, which is why he doesn't say it anymore.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me." I said, my voice monotone and I just decided to answer his question. Furuta was obviously still concerned about me. Why? Wouldn't he be mad? Because I just brushed him off like that?

I caught Furuta suddenly staring at my lips, and I knew what he was thinking about. My mistake. 

I'm not going to lie, I would do that again, but... it's gay. It's really freaking gay, and I'm straight.

Am I not? Am I really gay?

The eye contact broke, Washu suddenly opening his big ass mouth. "Nimura! You have those papers for me, right?" He yelled, making his way over to us and Furuta gave him a nod. He seemed to change, in a split second.

"Of course! I'm not a slacker, Washy." Furuta replied, in his taunting tone that always annoyed me whenever he did so. It sounded so... fake. Like it was forced. Too forced.

Washu stared at me, and he seemed to remember something. "I forgot, but Sasaki you better stop smoking up the whole goddamn building. I thought you learned for the time being to keep it off CCG grounds." he said, anger and frustration mixed in his tone. Furuta looked at me, with worry written on his expression. Crap.

I rolled my eyes at him, and looked at him perking my eyebrow slightly up. "If you want, I'll do it right inside of this building. You should be glad that I do show some decency and do it outside. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do." I said, a smile forming on my lips as I turned and walked away.

Furuta hated my fake smiles. And I quote, "If I see that fake ass smile again, I'm going to throw you all the way out of our Solar System." I smiled internally recalling that sentence again. The things Furuta say were so stupid that it made it funny.

Why was he this fond of Furuta? It was wrong. He's  
into women. Not men. He doesn't like Furuta romantically. He's just a good friend. But something then popped into my mind.

What if I really was gay? How would I know?

Dammit. This was all so frustrating. I need to take a break. I need to forget everything just for a second. I hate all of this. This is one of the worst weeks in my life. 

Seeing that my office was already unlocked, I raised an eyebrow. No one usually had a key to his office, unless it was a higher up.

Opening the door, I stopped after seeing the figure. I took a deep breath, and glared at him.

"Hello, Haise."

"Hello, Arima."

——

furuta.

 

I absolutely hate this week. I've felt nothing but pain everything I see him. Oh how many times I could've fixed the frown fixed on his face that I've seen too many times this week.

I hate seeing it so much. I hate what happened to our relationship. Countless mornings I texted out a text to him, but I never sent it because I remembered. He doesn't want to hear from me right now.

During lunch, I decided to go take a breather. Take a walk, or so and sort out my thoughts. I wanted to fix my relationship with Haise. I won't lie, I missed him a lot. There was no denying that.

But, who am I? Who the hell am I? Why do I feel this way towards him? Why are those feelings stronger with him, and not Rize? Why do I have a need for him?

Why do I need him to be happy?

Why do I need him right now? Why do I want to look to my side and see Ken Kaneki with his luscious jet black hair, his circle glasses and midnight eyes? Why do I want to wrap my arms around him and hear his soothing and contagious laugh?

Why do I want to kiss him again? 

Crap. Am I growing attached to him? Did I fall for him? I wasn't supposed to. But how could I get rid of them so easily? How can I just forget him?

I can't. There's no way I can forget Kaneki. He's not Haise Sasaki. That's only some dumb name they gave him.

Screw it. I think I understand now. I'm not gay but... I really like him.

I really like Kaneki. 

 

I made it back to the building, feeling pressure off my shoulders as I came to that conclusion. I need to try and fix our relationship now. As I approached the building,  
I smelled that. Smoke.

He was outside smoking. So, he went back to his old ways. 

My heart sank when I then saw Arima opened the door to the building, and seemed to be smelling the air. He got the note too. The white haired male suddenly turned, and I knew he was heading towards Haise.

What business does he have with Haise?

I quickly hid somewhere place, and I decided to eavesdrop on their conversation. What was Arima planning? He was probably doing his little orders from Washu. 

"Haise, won't you respect Washu's wishes?" he heard Arima speak a bit harsh, and a scoff that he heard often from Haise.

"Why do I need to follow him? Plus, if he really does give a damn why did he have to send you? Couldn't he just come here himself?" he grumbled, seeing Haise release a puff of smoke.

"He didn't send me. I simply wanted to talk to you, Sasaki." Arima seemed unbothered by him, and blank as always. 

"We talked earlier, you had the chance to say it then. I came here to be alone, not disrupted. Goodbye, Arima-san."

I saw Haise depart from the wall, and start walking towards the entrance but I saw Arima grab his wrist. He seemed troubled. What was wrong?

"Stay away from Furuta Nimura. He'll hurt you. It would be a shame if you got hurt."

My eyes darkened, and I felt my blood start to boil. Who did Arima think he was? Why did he care for Haise? Just because Haise used to be his student or some crap? He doesn't care about you, Arima.

Haise turned to look at him, and he just scoffed. "How exactly can I do that? He's my partner, plus he isn't that bad. What are you getting at? I'd just like you to know I'm no fool, Arima."

"You haven't seen the real him, Haise. Don't let yourself be tricked, if you are not a fool."

"Whatever you say. Whatever you say, Arima-san." Haise ripped his wrist out of Arima's hand, rubbing at the slight redness shown and waving towards him. He adjusted his red gloves as he went inside, and I decided to step out of my little hiding spot, acting as if I just came in.

I saw Arima look at me, I just acted cluelessly, and looked at him with surprise written on my face. "Kishou! You're never out during lunch, what's the sudden change?"

"Nothing, Furuta. A breather, that's it." Arima seemed to have something to say at the tip of his tongue, and I raised my eyebrow to see if he would say it. He wanted to say something? Then say it.

Arima looked at me with his normal blank expression, but in his eyes there was a stern look. He was basically giving him a death glare as faintly as he could.

"Reconsider dropping the mission. You've hurt Sasaki enough."

The white haired male didn't say another word to me, and walked back into the building not waiting for me to protest. I bit my lip, thinking about what he said.

'You've hurt Sasaki enough.'

It was true. I did hurt him in many ways that he doesn't know of. But I still want him. He is a wonderful person.

But is it love if I take him and possibly hurt him again, or is it love if I let him go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so that chapter is a mess, i’ll be editing it as well so we’re just going to keep it there for now 💀 akakakakak


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